Married Life Isn’t Perfect – But These 16 Secrets Helped Ours Work
Hello, friend! Welcome to my porch! Today, we’re going to be a little romantic. I’m about to share the secrets to a happy marriage. Or, at least, this is what worked for me and my husband. As you already know, I am living in sunny Arizona with my husband, but what you probably don’t know is that we were married for 43 years. Believe it or not, we still can’t believe that we managed to go through everything together. There were a lot of ups and downs in our marriage, but I can proudly say that we are stronger than ever.
We’ve weathered job losses, raising a child, losing loved ones, health scares, and retirement blues. Through it all, we’ve stayed together, not because it was easy, but because we chose to.
Don’t get me wrong! I am not trying to be a therapist or a relationship guru, I’m just trying to share everything I learned about love throughout the years. Why now? Because retirement changes everything. Suddenly, we’re home together. All. The. Time. You’re no longer rushing off to work or distracted by kids. You’re staring at the same person over breakfast, wondering what you’ll do all day. Trust me, this phase tested our marriage more than anything else, and this is why you need to pay attention to who you are marrying.
Read on and find the 21 secrets that helped us stay happy together for such a long time.
16 Secrets Every Couple Needs to Know
1. Be Careful How You Fight
My husband and I used to argue like we were on opposing teams. He’d shut down and go quiet. I’d raise my voice and get emotional. At one point, we could spend days stewing. But one night, over an argument, he looked at me and said, ”Linda, we’re not enemies.”
That hit me hard. I realized I didn’t want to win, I just wanted him to understand me. So we came up with some strict rules: no yelling, no name-calling, and no walking out mid-sentence. We’d pause when emotions got high, even if it meant taking a walk around the block or doing the dishes in total silence. But we promised to always come back and finish the conversation.
It’s way easier to simply yell and say all those bad words, but remember that once you hurt your partner’s feelings, you can’t pretend that it didn’t happen. The way we heal is very personal, and some partners may be extremely affected by a fight in the long term. So, next time you’re tempted to just insult your loved one, think twice. Your words might hurt him more than you can even imagine.
I have to say that our fights aren’t perfect, but they don’t leave scars anymore. I learned the hard way that it’s important to protect your partner even when you’re angry.
2. Keep the Laughter Alive
If I had to name the one thing that’s saved us from drowning in stress, it’s laughter. Even when we went through rough times, when money was tight or we were simply overwhelmed, we found little reasons to laugh. Once, we got locked out of the house in our pajamas. My husband was barefoot, and I had my curlers on. Guess what? Instead of panicking, we laughed until we cried.
We still act silly. Our joy carried us to a lot of sad situations. So, I would say that joy is like oxygen for marriage. All I can say is that you should never stop laughing.
For example, as I sit here writing this article. My husband is telling jokes and uses his British accent.
3. Let Each Other Breathe
When we both retired, I thought we’d do everything together. I imagined having coffee every morning, going on walks, and reading books side by side. Instead, we both found new hobbies. He disappeared into the garage and returned 5 hours later, while I was focusing on my yoga and gardening classes. First, I felt a little hurt, but then I realized the importance of space. We both needed space. So, we learned how to give each other breathing room.
Considering we were busy with our own things during the day, we appreciated the time we had to watch series on Netflix. We love to end our days by eating something delicious and cuddling on the sofa. After so many years, he still gives me butterflies, especially when he rubs my feet gently and tells me how much he loves me. Those are the moments when I realized that we’ve made it.
4. Touch more often
We’re not the most romantic couple, but we love to hold hands and hug. We hug each time we have the chance, and we even slow dance in the living room when an old song comes on. These small touches keep us connected.
We always showed affection to each other. For example, last year my arthritis flared up, and he gently washed my hair without me asking. That kind of physical tenderness, even without words, is all that matters. You don’t need to be young to be affectionate. You just need to keep choosing it, and trust me, it’s all worth it.
5. Talk About Anything
Talk about the stuff that’s not fun. Money. Sex life. Getting older. These are the tough topics we avoided for years. I didn’t want to admit when I felt unattractive. My husband always avoided talking about his fear of retirement. But remember that silence builds distance.
We started walking every evening after dinner. And that’s when the real conversations happened. One night, I admitted I felt unattractive. He was extremely sweet and assured me that I am everything he needs and more. Sometimes, we need to hear our partners say those cheesy words. So, don’t hesitate to let your partner know what you appreciate about him.
6. Don’t keep score
‘I did the dishes yesterday’… It’s something my husband used to tell me, and it used to drive me crazy. Keeping score created resentment. Marriage isn’t about ’50/50’. It’s about giving 100% when you can, trusting your partner will do the same. Some seasons, I’ve carried more. Some seasons, my husband has. But we stopped keeping score and started showing gratitude instead.
I learned how to say ”thank you” for the small stuff, and it’s amazing how much that changes the tone in a home. Keep in mind that you and your husband are not opponents; you should be teammates. All these little shifts in your mindset can save your marriage from unnecessary bitterness.
7. Cheer each other on
No matter what your plans and goals for the future, you should always cheer each other on. For example, when I started to paint in retirement, my husband was extremely supportive and helped me a lot in promoting my work. Isn’t that cute? Even though we’ve been together for more than 4 decades, he was still there for me when I needed him the most. That’s what marriage is about.
Later, when he found his own hobby, I also helped him. We showed up for each other. That’s made our bond so much deeper.
8. Set boundaries with everyone else
My husband’s sister used to call at all hours. My mother expected weekly Sunday dinners well into her 80s. We love them, but it drained us.
Eventually, we had to set some boundaries. We learned how to tell them that we need some time just for ourselves. It wasn’t easy to first say ‘we need a weekend for ourselves’, especially with guilt-ridden relatives, but it protected our marriage.
Even though you might not realize it, spending time with your partner is one of the most important things in marriage. You need time to communicate and to enjoy each other’s presence. So, make sure to plan short getaways or find some hobbies to enjoy together. Rediscovering yourselves and your love will make a big difference.
9. Create rituals
Do you and your husband have rituals? For example, we make sure that every Friday night we make pizza and watch old movies. Then, on every Sunday morning, we sit on the porch with coffee. These tiny traditions are what we look forward to.
Keep in mind that marriage is a series of shared little moments. So, depending on your lifestyle and the things you love, establish rituals and have fun together.
10. Be careful how you fight
My husband and I don’t always agree. There were times, in our 40s, when we argued more than we talked. The juggling bills, managing work, and just being tired all the time made us snap at each other like worn-out rubber bands. But over time, we learned something crucial: how you fight matters more than what you’re fighting about.
In our worst moments, we said things we didn’t mean. I once told him I wished I’d married someone who understood me better. He once accused me of turning into my mothers (it was something he knew would sting). Those words sat in our hearts long after the argument was over. We apologized, of course. But apologies don’t always erase the memory.
Eventually, we made a pact. No name-calling. No sarcasm meant to hurt, no yelling across the house. If we had something serious to discuss, we’d sit down, look each other in the eye, and talk like grown-ups who love each other, even though we are mad.
We also learned to pause. If one of us was too angry, we’d take a walk, cool down, and then come back to the table. It changed everything, and believe it or not, our fights became more like problem-solving conversations.
11. Make sure to laugh (a lot!)
Laughter is underrated. People think you need diamond rings and romantic gestures to keep a marriage alive, but from my point of view, the real glue is the belly laugh you share at the most random times.
My husband makes me laugh at the most unexpected times. For example, he dances terribly, but his enthusiasm makes me laugh all the time. We even had arguments dissolved into laughter because one of us said something ridiculous, and we couldn’t help but crack up.
Even during the hardest times, finding humor kept us from falling apart. Life is heavy sometimes. Marriage has its hard days. But if you can still laugh together, even after all the years, then you’ve still got something beautiful.
12. Forgive
Forgiveness used to be something I said with my mouth, but didn’t fully live out in my heart. I’d say ”it’s fine”, but I’d hold on to the pain. I wanted him to know that I was hurt, but not forgiving him wasn’t the right decision.
There’s no perfect husband in this world. Over our decades together, we’ve let each other down in big and small ways. Missed anniversaries. Harsh words. Times when we didn’t show up the way we should have, emotionally.
Truly forgiving someone doesn’t mean forgetting. It means choosing, every single day, to put love first. It’s reminding yourself that your partner is human, that mistakes don’t define them, and that healing is more powerful than punishment.
Trust me, full forgiveness sets both people free and gives the marriage room to breathe again.
13. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind
For years, I thought that my husband should just know what I needed. If I looked upset, I assumed he’d ask me what was wrong. If I had a rough day, I expected him to comfort me. When he didn’t, I got angry, not because he was unkind, but because he hadn’t guessed correctly.
Then one day, I decided to simply be honest and tell him how I feel and what I need. That moment changed how I communicate. I realized that love doesn’t come with physical abilities. I just needed a hug to feel better.
We started being more direct, not in a harsh way, but in a clear and loving way. ”I need your help today.” It took practice, but it made our marriage stronger.
So, I advise you to always say what yoy mean because assumptions lead to disappointment.
14. Always say ”thank you”
It’s easy to take each other for granted when you’ve lived together for decades. At some point, the things your partner does can start to feel like a routine. But I learned that nothing good should be expected. Everything kind deserves appreciation.
The more we express gratitude, the more we feel seen and the more we’ll want to do things for each other. A simple ”thank you” can soften tension and brighten dull days.
Love needs recognition. We all want to feel that what we do matters. Saying these 2 magic words doesn’t cost a thing, but it pays off in ways you can’t imagine.
15. Choose each other again (and again)
The vows we said on our wedding day were beautiful, but I didn’t realize that day how many times I’d have to choose my husband after that moment. Not just on the good days, when everything felt perfect, but on the bad days when we needed each other the most.
Every marriage has moments when walking away feels easier. Now, when we look at each other, I know he’s not the same man I married. And I’m not the same woman. But I keep choosing him. Every day. Every version. That’s what lasting love really is.
16. Let go of perfection
There was a time when I believed a happy marriage meant one that looked perfect from the outside. But trust me, that kind of image is never real, and trying to live up to it will only make you feel like a failure.
We gave up on trying to impress anyone and instead focused on being real with each other. Some days we’re wildly in sync, and other days we annoy each other endlessly. That’s marriage. That’s life.
The freedom came when we let go of the idea that we had to always be ”on.” We stopped hiding our flaws. We allowed ourselves to be imperfect humans doing the best we could. And guess what? That’s when we felt the most loved.
Before leaving, feel free to share your experience. Let’s help each other build happy and long-lasting relationships. Do you have any secrets to share?
And here’s another woman’s opinion on long-lasting marriage. Are you curious to find out more? The book can be found on Amazon.
Also, if you don’t know what to read next, here’s a useful article, especially during this chaotic period: 6 Hobbies That Turn Into Income for Retirees (Yes, Really!)